Have you given much thought about your masturbation fantasies? There may be unprecedented access to pre-packaged, quick-hit titillation and expert guidance on the bodily mechanics of personal pleasure, but the American erotic imagination is still congested with political correctness and shame.
Masturbation has by no means conquered all social taboos. Will it ever? But when it comes to fantasy, we could all use some loosening up.
When I’ve inquired about my partners’ fantasies, it’s often scared the crap out of them. Want to make a man stutter in bed? Ask him to describe the peaks and valleys of his personal erotic landscape.
Men aren’t used to talking about these things — except when it’s in the course of an emotional interrogation (i.e. “So you like fake boobs, then, huh?”).
It’s fascinating, though, to see how a person’s character and life experiences influence the private realm of fantasy. There’s tremendous vulnerability and intimacy in sharing these things — like a cat rolling over to show you its belly.
I can’t tell you how often I’ve encountered men who are distressed by their socially unacceptable fantasies.
They insist that they have no desire to pursue such encounters in real life, but they worry about the fact that this imagery has taken up residence in their mind.
These are guys who identify as straight but occasionally like to imagine sexual encounters with other men, or who find themselves returning to the thought of sex with a teenage girl.
Then there is the occasional woman with a rape or submission fantasy, which studies have shown are incredibly common.
The truth is, there are a lot of unsavory, politically incorrect aspects to our sexual imaginations. These shadowy caves of the sexual psyche tend to reveal fundamental inner conflicts and can be at odds with our public personae.
But it’s most important to recognize that these scenarios are frequently things we don’t want to experience in reality.
Plenty of things are titillating as ideas but repulsive, or at least disappointing, in reality. Fantasies are like dreams. They aren’t right or wrong. They just are.
When you ask adolescents about their sexual fantasies you find girls’ intimate desires include more than their fair share of domination scenarios.
Boys are more than happy to imagine swapping girlfriends, doing the hot MILF at the playground, or gathering together a group of nymphos to go at it no holds barred.
Doesn’t seem to be too much of a culture shift here…ask any of your male and female friends and (especially after a margarita or three) they’ll be more than happy to admit their dirty minds have room for very similar sex scenarios.
Almost all of us have experienced some kind of sexual fantasy in our lives and that there aren’t many “significant” differences between men’s and women’s.
Men even admit to imagining a few domination scenarios, though doubtful that they included grey ties and a spank session from a blond Adonis in Seattle.
Men spend more time thinking about sex overall (duh) while women report fantasizing just “a few” times a month (liars), which apparently was a greater frequency than what men claimed.
And the more “extreme” fantasies — including random promiscuity, swinging and orgy-dabbling — are mostly male-centric and supposedly only cross men’s minds once a year. (Sure.)
In normal life men and women have very similar fantasies. They have this type of fantasy about one or two times in their whole life.”
But most surprising? Sexual submission, Anastasia Steele style, is apparently labeled the least enjoyable fantasy among women surveyed. (They’re obviously doing it wrong.)
Regardless of your fantasy repertoire, I can’t extol more the value of using your imagination and your brain — the most important sex organ in your body — when exploring your sexuality with or without a partner.
Fantasies provide, among other things, a sort of sexual meditation, allowing the thinker to stay focused on the act at hand.
Once the fantasy is in full swing, it becomes close to impossible to penetrate that concentration — which often is essential for the sex-to-orgasm process. (Especially for women.)
And it gives our minds some exercise from the norm, allowing us to explore desires without committing to purchasing a top-of-the-line leather strap-on or perusing Craigslist for a BBW who likes fisting.
The mind is our bodies’ most powerful sex tool [especially for women] and it’ll get flaccid, out of shape and stale if you don’t let it explore.
So get to it, and who cares if your thoughts are depraved, inappropriate and would make your grandma cry? It’s all in your head and no one has to know.