When the female sex and energy healer,
hovered her hands over my belly and moved them
up and down the length of my entire body,
I groaned and my stomach convulsed.
I convulsed some more, tears rolling down my cheeks.
I felt I’d gone through an exorcism and was a brand-new person.
You just feel this wave of energy coasting through your body.
There were sparks coming out from my fingertips,
My teacher told me she’s had plenty of experience
treating people with what she calls orgasmic healing,
using her hands to “release” pent-up energy
in their bodies so they can be more in touch
with their sexuality.
Only 25 percent of women are consistently come
during intercourse, and an estimated 5 to 10 percent
of men have trouble ejaculating and/or experiencing
orgasm with partners.
Meanwhile, many people consider it their responsibility
to “give” their lovers fabulous orgasms–and wonder how to do that.
On the one hand, the wish to “give” great orgasms is laudable,
especially for men who hope to give them to women.
In the Western world, until well into the 20th century,
sex was something for men to enjoy, and for women to endure.
Men “took” sex from women, who were considered merely fleshy
receptacles for male lust. Many people believed that women
were unable to experience sexual pleasure, so men had no
responsibility to provide it.
Relax When You
Want to Come
Just about everyone can enjoy orgasms by themselves, but many people encounter difficulty having them with others.
Today, we know that men and women are equally capable of sexual pleasure, and that satisfying lovemaking involves both lovers taking turns giving and receiving sensual caresses.
Compared with how men felt a century ago, the wish to “give” women orgasms represents progress. But no one “gives” anyone else an orgasm.
Orgasms Are Like Laughter
Orgasms emerge from deep inside us when conditions feel right. Comedians can tickle our funny bones, but they don’t “make” us laugh. They allow us to. They create the conditions that encourage us to produce laughter from deep within ourselves.
Orgasms are similar. They, too, emerge from deep within when conditions are favorable. For most people, those conditions include: trust, comfort, relaxation, love, understanding, and whole-body massage that eventually focuses on tender genital caresses.
Lovers create the physical and emotional context the allow orgasms to happen. A lover can be trustworthy and help you deeply relax. A lover can caress you the way(s) you enjoy, the way(s) that allow you to dive deep enough into your own pleasure and sexual fantasies to produce your own orgasms.
A lover can also destroy the conditions that allow orgasm by being untrustworthy and causing grief instead of relaxation and comfort. But lovers don’t “give” each other orgasms. Each of us is responsible for our own orgasms. We produce them ourselves.
The sexual act thrives on experimentation. As marvelous as sex can be, after a while, the same old moves become boring.
You might try new tools [no pun intended]. Candles, music, sex toys, lingerie, etc. Or a different time of day. Or a different room of the house or new positions. Use your imagination.
Be patient. It takes some people a while to work up to orgasm. Sometimes, it’s situational. If you’re under the weather, it may take longer than usual. But some people always take quite a while. That’s just who they are.
If your lover takes what you consider a long time, or if you’ve ever received apologies for “taking so long,” reassure the person that you’re there for their pleasure, no matter how long it takes.
Invite them to relax and focus on their own erotic feelings, not on how impatient they imagine you to be. The anxiety people feel about thinking that they take too long actually interferes with orgasm.
So be patient, and tell your lover you’re happy to be patient. That should help them relax enough to have orgasms. Or consider a vibrator. Vibrators often help women have orgasms more quickly, and vibrating penis sleeves often help men.
Your sex partner should feel comfortable, relaxed, trusting, accepted, and aroused enough to have orgasms. You don’t “give” them. You’re the catalyst. You help create the conditions that allow her/him to release them.