Girl Talk: “I Prefer His Tongue to His Cock”

When it comes to going down on a woman, why do
so few men get it right? Not only are we still
dealing with too many of you thinking that
you’re totally entitled to your beloved blow jobs
yet don’t have to oblige us. Even when you do, it’s
often a disappointing, if not laughable experience.

Is Your Man a Cunning Linguist?

The reason why it’s a big fucking deal is that for
most of us, that’s our preferred journey to orgasm.

Apart from so many women faking orgasms,
let me repeat some really important stats.

Only about a third of us have vaginal orgasms
almost every time, a third of us do sometimes
and a third of us never do that way.

So, listen up. Can you take some advice?

Ever heard of saliva? Good, because you should use it. The whole time. I mean, you like your blow jobs all nice and wet, right? OK, then apply the same policy to us.

I still have no idea why some of you forget to keep the lubrication happening down there. It just feels like you’re rubbing us with a terry cloth or something. Definitely not the desired feeling we’re looking for.

I bet that Sahara effect is not making this endeavor any easier for you. All that friction has got to be slowing down your tongue’s up-and-down, side-to-side, circular, figure-eight or whatever other motions you’ve come up with.

No wonder you complain about how hard and strenuous it is. So do yourself a favor and go ahead and slobber all over our cunts.

Speaking of tongue acrobatics: slow the fuck down. I don’t know what kind of Cirque du Soleil show you’re trying to put on down there, but my clit and vagina are not the stage for that.

Save that for your next ice-cream cone. I bet the ice cream won’t complain like I will. It’s so distracting when you’re doing all that crazy stuff down there and I would like to focus on crossing the finish line.

Imagine if I was all over your dick like an enraged animal. Not such a great idea now, is it?

That do-the-alphabet-with-your-tongue tip you’ve probably read in a silly men’s magazine or heard from your roommate is complete nonsense. It’s not going to do anything except help you lose points in my book.

Just try some different directions and motions, pay attention to her reactions and stick with the few that get the best response.

Go at it with a medium pressure (or again, whatever gets you the best reaction). In case you haven’t noticed, it’s a gentle area down there, so you don’t need to assault it.

As for your fingers, I hate to break it to you, but unless you’re dealing with a chick who’s blessed with a G-spot you can easily make sing with your fingers, take it easy with that too.

It’s nice that you’re using your digits, and I really appreciate it, but less is more. The clitoral nerves actually extend all the way inside, so your fingers are there to give us a nice feeling of fullness, not much else. Mind-blowing, right?

Lastly, please commit to this. You can’t half-ass this. It’s probably going to take a while, depending on how turned on I already am and how much you’ve perfected your technique.

So you’d better be in for the long haul. Don’t complain, remind yourself of how awesome it’s going to be once you’ve brought me to the point of ecstasy, put your mouth on there and go for it. Just fucking commit!