If a woman doesn’t feel desired
sex won’t seem so appealing
Back when sex therapists were mostly male, sexual desire, or libido,
used to be thought of some kind of hydraulic pressure in the body.
Like the pressure most young men feel when they need to ejaculate.
But the hydraulic model doesn’t fit the facts of most
women’s sexual desire. Most women need a reason to have sex.
Otherwise, they might go for a long time without feeling desire.
Men need a reason to have sex, too. But for most men,
the reason can be as simple as your partner taking off her blouse.
Most men’s minds tend readily to say yes to sex.
Most women’s minds tend to say maybe or it depends.
I Fucking Want Her!
Men experience sex as a physical need.
For both both sexes our bodies tell us
when we’re hungry, thirsty or tired.
A man’s body tells him when he needs
A woman’s Desire is Responsive
Women need to feel sexually desired before
they’re turned on. So many assume that because
their desire is responsive, rather than
spontaneous, they have ‘low desire’.
Their ability to enjoy sex with their partner
is meaningless if they don’t also feel a
persistent urge for it.
They feel broken because their desire isn’t
what it’s ‘supposed’ to be.
They need a thoughtful exploration of what
creates desire between them and their partners.
This is likely to include confidence in their
bodies, feeling accepted, and (not least)
explicitly erotic stimulation.
Need for Sex
Sexual desire may be the single most common sexual
event in the lives of men and women.
Sexual desire is a subjective feeling which can
be triggered by both internal and external cues,
and that may or may not result in overt sexual behavior.
Sexual desire can be aroused through imagination and
sexual fantasies, or seeing an individual whom one
Sexual desire is also created and amplified
through sexual tension, which is caused by
sexual desire that has yet to be consummated.
Sex: Everything She Wants Needs Desires
Female liberation is worth little if it doesn’t
include sexual freedom. But if a woman boldly
and confidently asserts her sexuality, is she
simply playing to male desire for women to be
available and disposable?
It seems impossible to discuss female desire in
isolation from a culture that judges women and
exonerates men for supposed transgressions.
The main characters and their partners are white
and predominantly straight. One woman sometimes
has sex with women, but even this is largely done
for the pleasure of her voyeur husband.
Two are Catholic, while the perceived guilt around
desire is a watermark that runs through these stories.
Even more conventionally, the thread that unites
them is the precedence given to male desire and control.
Each of these women, in articulating and pursuing
her need for a particular man, puts herself at
the mercy of his choices, and finds her most
intimate needs offered up for society’s judgment.