Muff-Diving [slang] Performing Cunnilingus.
Carpet Munching. Eating Pussy. Gnash the Gash
Can I Butter Your Muffin?. Going Down.
His Tongue Licks her Clitoris [TLC]
Nothing brings more sexual pleasure
to a woman than a really good muff-dive.
Nothing can be more fulfilling to a person
than to watch his or her mate squirm and
slither with great erotic pleasure as a
result of their efforts.
It’s important we become experts in the
art of oral sex and learn the techniques
required to push all the right buttons.
We want to introduce our partners to new sensations,
better tongue-action and much stronger orgasms.
Can I Butter Your Muffin?
In a world where Axe body spray ads stretch
the definition of “innuendo” and fellatio-
hinting commercials make superstars out of
phallic objects, hy does the other oral sex
get so little coverage in pop culture?
Are we embarrassed by it? Do we think it’s gross?
Does it cross an intimacy line that culturally
we’re not ready or willing to discuss?
Her Clitoris [TLC]
Fellatio has become a mainstay of pop culture portrayals
of sex and an expected part of most hetero sexual encounters.
There’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s something
wrong when cunnilingus is seen as gross, unclean, or icky.
Orgasms are awesome in general because they make you feel
like a beautiful woman. Being eaten out is also like that
because guys who are good at it usually appreciate vaginas.
A lot of my girlfriends are like,
“You know, I just don’t like it.
I just don’t! It’s weird, you know?” I’m
like, “No, I don’t know, actually.”
I feel sorry for these friends of mine because
It’s hard to trust a person to put their tongue
in and around your very most private of parts.
Next time you hook up with a woman,
focus on her pleasure as much as yours.
Only focusing on penetrative sex is
the wrong type of stimulation for most women.
Imagine if every sexual encounter you had
only touched the bottom third of your penis.
That often isn’t enough stimulation to climax.
All the sensitivity is in the cock’s ‘head’.
Female pleasure is all about clitoral stimulation.
By taking your time to stimulate that area either
through cunnilingus, fingering or vibrating sex toys,
it is often fairly achievable to bring a woman to orgasm.
Listen to her signals of what is working for her.
Many women already have a collection of vibrators
they use for masturbation and to achieve climax
on their own. Take advantage of that.
She Comes First
In a culture where everyone wants to go down in history for something, Ian Kerner wants to go down as the champion of going down.
The sex therapist has written She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, a sex manual for cunnilingus.
Kerner is so committed to teaching new skills that he names his licks—the Elvis Presley snarl (gum against clitoris, lip up), the Jackson Pollock lick (“broad strokes with pinpoint targeted precision”). Even the Rope a Dope, in honor of the Thrilla in Manila (let her push and grind and then spring back with a strong stroke).
Kerner grew up in Chelsea, went to Dwight and Walden, and spent his teenage years like most of the guys I dated in high school: making out with girls, not making them come, reading a lot of porn, and struggling with premature ejaculation.
“It was my Achilles’ penis,” he says over afternoon tea at Thé Adoré. “Men train themselves by masturbating furtively, quickly, and in private, and build a neuropath between their brain and body.”
He lost his virginity at 17, went off to Brandeis, and, in hopes of helping himself overcome his problem, read The Kinsey Report and Masters and Johnson.
Feeling like a sexual cripple, à la Jon Voight in Coming Home, he resisted sex and instead spent all his dates dining at the Y. As a result, he became known for his talents:
“I got really skilled at turning oral sex from an arbitrary aspect of foreplay into something that I codified. I became deeply aware of how to satisfy a woman.”
He began worrying less about his own orgasm and eventually learned to slow down his response time when he did have sex.
After college, he had stints as a playwright and a creative-writing professor, got married, and worked for a start-up. When the dot-com bubble burst (“a big premature ejaculation”), he decided to get his doctorate in clinical sexology.
As he began seeing patients, mainly married couples, he became convinced that most men were too focused on intercourse, and that couples needed to find a way to, as he puts it, “turn foreplay into coreplay.”
If it sounds too theoretical, Kerner says that what’s important is the overall message: Sex doesn’t make women come and oral sex does, so men need to put the tongue before the sword.
The average man can maintain genital thrusting for two and a half minutes before ejaculation. But the average woman requires fifteen to eighteen minutes of persistent clitoral stimulation to have her first orgasm. That twelve-and-a-half-minute difference is a gaping maw of frustration on the part of women.
Anyone with half a brain could tell you this, but his book is detailed to the point of exhaustion—with a section on anatomy, a step-by-step guide to going down, and a mere seven pages (out of 228) on the old in-and-out.
It’s almost too thorough. Isn’t it overoptimistic to think a guy can do the perineum clasp while moving the woman into a semi-split, alternating with vertical and horizontal tongue strokes?
“I wanted to be more extensive and rigorous on this subject than anyone had heretofore been,” Kerner says.
I have many female friends who shrug when the subject of cunnilingus comes up—they say they can take it or leave it, or it takes too long, or even, dismissively, “I prefer sex.”
On Sex and the City, the Mr. Pussy character was portrayed as a laughingstock because of his obsession—and Charlotte ultimately realized she couldn’t have a relationship with him.
If women out there aren’t getting what they want from men, it may not be entirely the fault of the men. I have many female friends who shrug when the subject of cunnilingus comes up—they say they can take it or leave it, or it takes too long. Or even, dismissively, “I prefer sex”.
Kerner thinks women are part of the problem: “They have just as many hang-ups about receiving as men do about giving.”
He blames Freud, who scarred generations of women by defining “vaginal” orgasms as more mature than childish little clitoral ones. Seventies feminists refuted much of this, but in the eighties, the debate was renewed again with the publication of The G Spot.
In more recent years, the vagina has enjoyed a comeback as sex shops have begun selling G-spot vibrators and videos on female ejaculation through G-spot stimulation. Kerner is skeptical about all this.
He believes the G-spot is part of the clitoris and that a G-spot orgasm is a kind of clitoral orgasm. As for all those squirters, he points out that some say ejaculating has no positive effect on their pleasure.
For most women, it’s cunnilingus that does the trick but most men just don’t know how to do it.
“One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is, ‘I love it when my guy goes down on me, but it’s like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. It’s like a stampede for the clitoris, and I just want to get out of the way.’ ”
This is why so many men say they don’t have the energy for long sessions. “The men are too aggressive, and that leads to a lot of guys saying, ‘After three minutes, my tongue hurts. My neck hurts.’
“But that’s because they’re approaching it in the wrong way.” Kerner points out that the more you do it, the less time it takes. He believes a book on going down is all the more necessary in the phallocentric era of Viagra. Before pills, men would get creative, something no longer required.
“A lot of women say these days that Viagra’s the worst thing that ever happened to them. It brings everything back to the penis and back to intercourse.”