QUESTION: This girl wants to have sex with me. She’s made this pretty clear. She recently told me she’s never had an orgasm. Now I feel pressured to get her to the big O now. I don’t know, I just don’t want to feel inadequate.
ANSWER: Congratulations on a girl wanting to screw you! That’s awesome. Some people will never get that far in their lives.
It’s also cool that she’s “made that pretty clear.” Having that level of communication with any partner, no matter how casual, is really cool.
It’s really great to be with someone who very straightforwardly wants to be with you. There are probably things that are worse than sleeping with someone who is sort of reticent or half-hearted about it, but not that many.
I get that having sex with someone new, or let’s be honest having sex ever, is nerve-racking. But having sex is not as hard as you think it is, and your partner is not holding you up to the impossible standard that you think she is.
Specifically, I would say that your partner is probably not walking into your sexual encounter thinking “by God, I am going to have an orgasm with this person, or we’re going to keep trying until one of us breaks something.”
Some of the worst sex anyone has ever had is of the “this girl is going to come if I have to take a jackhammer to her clit” variety.
I mean, have you ever been on the receiving end of that? It’s awful, it’s exhausting, it’s grim, and it feels like it will never end.
I don’t want to speak for everyone, but I’m pretty sure most of us, your girl included, would rather have nice sex that doesn’t end in orgasm than have to live through that and fake it just so the awkwardness ends.
The thing is, having orgasms is not necessarily that easy. Some women just never do it ever, even with a Hitachi Magic Wand that makes you coffee afterwards.
And especially if you’ve never been with a person before, it’s a lot to expect. They don’t know you and what your body wants yet, and it takes a while to get to that level of communication, even for people in relationships.
Today’s women high expectations of men in bed. That can be quite demanding.
She thinks it’s really important that we have a great sex life. I can feel pressure that each time we have sex it has to be amazing.
I think having a good sex life is important as well — but you don’t always feel like putting in an Olympic performance.
If I’ve had a hard day at work and I’m tired, I don’t want to feel as though I’ve got to put on a good performance.
She reads a lot of glossy women’s magazines and I’m sure she has this idea that everyone out there is having all this amazing sex and she wants us to have the same.
Sometimes, though, you just want to have chilled-out sex without the pressure.
Women these days expect their men to be considerate lovers, so you can’t just go “wham bam, thank you ma’am” any more, like men did 30 years ago. That’s not really on.
This generation of women are always being told that their men should go to the gym and have toned bodies and give them multiple orgasms all night.
I know that all this is not real life but, inevitably, you find yourself trying to measure up.
Occasionally, all these thoughts crowd into your head when you’re having sex and it puts you off.
You start thinking about what you might look like — and the next thing you just feel like a sweaty oaf.
Or you start wondering whether she is expecting you to be doing something a bit more exciting.
The one thing about sex is that it needs to be spontaneous. If you start thinking about it too much while you’re doing it, the passion just disappears.That’s obviously the worst thing to happen when your girlfriend expects this fantastic sex life.
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