Sex Performance Anxiety

Too Much Sex Advice

We often cling to the sex tips we read, but here’s a new position [pun intended]: it’s time to throw some of those silly misconceptions out of the window for a better, healthier sex life.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, is crazy and will get you nowhere when it comes to improving your sex life. So, here are a few thoughts to help you and your partner improve your intimacy for a healthier, happier relationship.

Forget the time, just enjoy

Don’t focus on how long your love-making lasts. Whether it’s a quickie, an hour-long session or a marathon nookie night, just get into it and enjoy the moment.

Many men and women place too much pressure on themselves to get the build-up to sex right, but it’s also good to throw that out the window from time to time and just enjoy each other’s bodies.

Not possible to orgasm at once

It’s an unrealistic expectation and is bound to set you both up for disappointment. Our bodies are strongly influenced by many factors which means that we need to be patient and understanding of our own reaction to sex and our partner’s reaction too.

Don’t treat your sex life like it’s a transaction where the both of you get exactly the same amount out of it.

No need to both climax every time

Expecting to have an orgasm every time you have sex with your partner is another way to disappoint yourselves. It’s also unfair to place this kind of expectation on your partner.

That kind of pressure can often be a libido-killer. Instead of focusing on the final result, get stuck into the moment – enjoy the sensations of the present and forget that you’re working towards anything at all other than giving and receiving pleasure.

Time to be naughty

Men aren’t the only ones who are allowed to instigate a naughty romp session. While most women might feel that being more passive or submissive is what is expected of them in the bedroom, the opposite is often true.

Many men are thoroughly turned on when their partner takes control and better still, having control of proceedings can also work to a woman’s pleasure advantage.

Be brave, explore your fantasies

Fantasies are made to be shared and are a great way to get to know your partner’s own sexual preferences.

While many of us stay silent for fear of being rejected by our partners, being brave and choosing to share them can often improve the level of intimacy in your relationship.

The bottom line is to leave your judgment at the door when it comes to exploring each other.

Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety

Many partners who fail to reach a climax during sexual intercourse have no underlying physical problem. Instead, the problem may be due in part or whole to worrying about not being able to perform.

Such thinking produces performance anxiety. Anxiety is a future-oriented emotion in which you catastrophize about the consequences of a possible future event.

In the case of sexual performance anxiety the event in question is failure to perform sexually and the perceived catastrophic consequences are loss of self-respect and fear of how you think others, especially your sex partner, would view you.

A major part of your performance anxiety is fear of what others are going to think of you, especially your sex partner, if you fail to perform. You may fear that your partner will stop seeing you as sexy or as not being a “real man” or “real woman.”

As such, you may tell yourself that your worth depends on whether or not you can reach a climax. “What good am I,” you think, “if I can’t even have an orgasm.” But you are not identical to an orgasm.

You are not a machine. You are a being who can think, reason, act, feel, desire, and sense. You are a self-determining being, a being who can autonomously decide things. You have an inherent value and dignity. So respect yourself. Good sex begins with self-respect!

And anyway, it’s not really awful if you don’t have an orgasm or you can’t have an erection. It is not on the level of a nuclear meltdown or an earthquake in which thousands of people perish. It is not the equivalent of murder or rape.

It is not like the end of the universe. As far as bad things go, it really isn’t so bad-unless you tell yourself it is. But that is where your willpower comes into play.


  • john thomas says:

    How did I miss this gem? Ellen von Unwerth’s sexy short “Sexy Boudoir / Glam Cabaret” for Madame Figaro (magazine) is sweetly silly, and wholly enjoyable. The Citizens of Fashion have a gallery from the session in an easily viewable, nice large hi-res post.

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