Sex is deeply pleasurable.
But it can sometimes feel
like an elusive experience,
ever out of reach.
When you get down to it, the act
of getting naked with another human
and mashing your bits is super bizarre.
Porn Is Biased
Either MILF or 18. What about
postgrad w/ bad credit who drives
Subaru to 1pm matinees?
Does no one want to jerk off to that?
It creeps me out when my dog
watches my wife and I have sex.
We hide the videotapes
but he always finds them.
What’s Your Form?
Such double standards between men & women.
When men have sex with lots of women they’re
players but when I do it I’m a lesbian.
She has no sympathy for grooms who worry
“this is the only vagina I’ll have for
the rest of my life.”
She lives that nightmare every day.
Doggy style means you get
a treat afterwards, yeah?
Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?
Him: Ma’am, please just take your pizza.
A guy asked if I’d put him in the friend zone.
I was like, whoa slow down there.
I’ll have sex with you but
friendship is a serious commitment.
Her: How long before I am able to have
a normal sex life again doctor?”
Doctor.: No one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out.
Do You Know What You’re Doing?
Vaginas are like gyms. I’m rarely inside one,
but when I am I just sort of pretend to know
what I’m doing and hope no one notices I don’t.
I’ll tell you what a woman wants.
She wants you to drag her to the
bedroom, toss her down, and do the
dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
The Other One
If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means
I’m having sex with the other one.
[gets exhausted after having sex
for five minutes] “Go on without me”.