Sexual attraction is
largely conditioned.
As advertising agencies well know, the physical
traits people find sexually attractive are as much
conditioned as they are innate.
People in different cultures have adhered to a wide
variety of tactics to make themselves more attractive
according to their societies’ standards.
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Mayan Indians found crossed eyes attractive, so they
hung objects between babies’ eyes to cause the condition.
Padaung women increased their sex appeal by stretching
their necks with fifteen-inch brass neck rings that
pull the vertebrae into the neck.
Breasts have seen it all. They were compressed in
seventeenth-century Spain, are distended in Paraguay,
and are inflated to obscene sizes in California today.
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While ads in American magazines might glamourize
thin women who frequent tanning salons, the adulation
of both of these traits is specific to culture.
For instance, in previous centuries pudginess
was prized, as it symbolized wealth because few
people could afford enough food to become fat.
Even in modern times, there are places where
pudginess is the cultural ideal, as seen in
the wife-fattening farms of Mauritania, where
obesity is a sign of wealth and attractiveness.
And the arbitrary attractiveness of fake tans can
be seen in China and Korea where women will bring
umbrellas and wear ski masks to the beach,
to avoid becoming tanned like peasant workers.
Some Asian women also apply skin cream
to make themselves appear lighter.
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it’s not just women who observe subjective
standards of physical attractiveness.
The Internet is full of products for enlarging
penises, and some men even undergo surgery for this,
even though the ancient Greeks found small
penises more aesthetically pleasing.
This raises the question: Between history,
culture and marketing, is there really such
a thing as “normal” sexual attraction? k
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Sexual preference is political
“Is he cute or is he just light-skinned?” is
a legitimate question many black people have
grappled with at some point in their lives.
This is not because we naturally see dark-skinned people
as inherently unattractive but, rather, because colorism
informs our own standards of beauty.
We as a society tend to view people with
darker complexions as less desirable.
Although the black community has consistently
striven to recognize that our black is beautiful,
desirability politics plays a real role in whom
we have sex with, whom we date, and who we decide
is worthy of our time and attention.
Sex Object
I was confronted with a realization
of my own problematic preference:
On occasional bored late-night browsing social
media, I’ve fantasised having one-night stands.
I found myself attracted to taller, slimmer, light-skinned men.
I realised preferences in dating, sex and attractiveness are
not inherently problematic, but they nearly always are.
I was selecting sexual partners based on social
conditioning. Those I’ve been persuaded to find attractive.
Continually using the “preference” logic, which is usually a code
word for “status quo,” denies the real implications of desirability
politics and how we’re trained to focus on whiteness.
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Sexual Fantasies
All of us find it difficult to broach the
subject of sexual fantasy with our partners.
The fear of embarrassment is quite common.
It can be very difficult to open up
about your fantasies, even to someone
you’ve been with for a long time.
Yet these conversations can potentially take
your sex life to the next level, intensifying
the bond and relationship with your partner.
Even if you think you’re not kinky, there’s
a chance your brain might be. And when it comes
to getting turned on and orgasming, our brains
deserve more credit than they often get.
Not only are sexual fantasies totally normal,
but they allow us to explore our sexuality
in a space that’s super safe: our imaginations.
For couples in long-term relationships,
sharing sexual fantasies with one another
can renew excitement.
Keep it playful, don’t rush it, and remember
“fantasies are fantasies” – you don’t have
to act them out or see them as a threat,.
Many of us like to keep them just as a fantasy
but sharing it with your partner and possibly
talking about it erotically during sex can
really spice things up.