I’m a sex worker who caters to those
who want some kink in their lives. I specialise
in domination games [a dominatrix].
I’m often attacked by the morality
police. They say sex and fetish
games are primitive and vulgar.
Kinksters say that ours is an
art to be practised for love,
not just for money.
I feel it is time to speak up about my work’s
necessity, and about its joy and beauty.
It’s part of the meaningful sexual spectrum.
We sex workers turn the erotic
into a humane and powerful art.
Many Millenials want to distance sexual performance
from not only feminism, but artistic performance too.
Is there really that clear a line between
the work of women artists, and the work
of those who sell sex?
All art is like sex. First you do it
for love, then you do it for your
friends, and then you do it for money.
Not every sex worker chooses the kinkster market.
I’m fortunate to have freely decided to practise kink.
Too many of us, particularly escorts, are miserable
slaves, and we must fight tirelessly for their freedom.
I believe that the opportunity to pay legally for an
encounter with an ethical, independent sex worker
is a safe, essential way to help people meet their
obligations and cope with a sexless life.
The dominatrix is the id of American femininity.
She is primary, dark, primal. She says the words
that other women wish they could say, but often
find themselves frozen. “No” is principal among them.
Women today still face the demands that
have always been placed on femininity: t
hat women be nice, pleasing and compliant.
“No” is the utterance that disrupts these
demands. It is the failure of femininity.
To interrupt male desire with the word “no”
is to disrupt femininity itself. The dominatrix,
then, is a paradox: both feminine and dominant,
she is a woman paid to refuse men.
I’ve often had my boundaries pushed by men who
have paid me to watch them masturbate, have paid
me to punish them for masturbating and who often
pay me to tell them “no,” to stop masturbating,
a practice that BDSM insiders call “tease and denial.”
The Divisions of Kink
BDSM. When most people think of kinky sex, they think of BDSM, a four-letter acronym that stands for six different things: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. BDSM includes an extremely wide range of activities, from light paddle spanking and dominant/submissive role-playing to bondage parties and pain play.
I know the gonzo porn couple made the kinky stuff popular and now your girlfriend is totally hot for getting tied up and spanked. But at some point enough is a enough.
Christian and Ana are a fictional duo. There’s no way that little anorexic nympho could handle a beating in the real world. So please, before you end up accidentally killing your girl, think this whole S&M thing through.
Scenario 1: She asks you to spank her
This doesn’t seem too harmful but one of the stories I was told involved such severe spanking that she couldn’t sit down the next day. Sex should not be like paddling pledges. Let’s not haze the poor girl.
Scenario 2: She asks you to choke her
Some women believe that they reach orgasm faster when their air supply is cut off. Holding her breath would probably work just as well but she will probably ask you to put your hand over her throat.
Watch out for how much pressure you’re applying. My college roommate nearly got choked out by her ex-boyfriend. He thought her screams, thrashing and digging her nails into his back meant she was cumming…
Scenario 3: She asks you to play with toys
This is probably the most common thing your girlfriend would ask for and for the record, bringing a vibrator into the mix doesn’t make you any less of a man.
In fact it can make things awesome for both of you. The only warning is to be aware of the setting you have it on. Gentle vibrations good, burning her clit off with what feels like an electric saw? Not good.
Scenario 4: She asks you to cum on her
She’s probably not the type of girl that you want to take home to mom but she’s a porn addict’s dream girl. Try to perfect your aim to avoid the eye area at all costs.
Scenario 5: She asks you to bite her
I really don’t understand how this one gets so out of hand. I’m all about my bottom lip getting bitten a little and when I’m really into it I sometimes bite shoulders.
But biting becomes a serious issue when you have mouth shaped bruises all over your body. One of my work associates showed me her stomach and I’ll never be the same. The woman looked like a cheetah.
I mean, honestly? It upsets me to write some of that. Maybe there are a few things in there your girl would be interested in exploring but gently please; she’s a lady.
spanking another person for
sexual arousal or gratification.
A spontaneous smack on bare
buttocks during sex.
The brain closely relates pleasure
and pain. The same areas light up
when we experience both sensations.
We love spanking because of the electricity and surprise.
The twinning of pain and pleasure is such a turn-on.
Being spanked or spanking is the giving
and receiving of control. It’s handing
over trust to your partner or taking it.
Activities range from a spontaneous
smack on bare buttocks during sexual
activity, occasional sexual role play
and domestic discipline.
It may involve the use of a hand or the use
of a variety of spanking implements,
such as a spanking paddle or cane.
The most common type of erotic spanking is
administered on the bare buttocks, but can
also be combined with bondage to heighten
sexual arousal and feelings of helplessness.
Many cultures describe pain as an aphrodisiac.
For example, the Kama Sutra, in particular,
goes into specific detail on how to properly
strike a partner during sex.
You might put spanking in the BDSM realm.
But it seems to be so popular in its own
right that it deserves a separate category.
Maybe because, for a lot of people,
spanking provides a slightly more
vanilla option or an intro to BDSM.
It can also be combined with many other fetishes,
while for some a good spanking is enough.
Freud thought that physical punishment in childhood
lead to sadomasochistic preferences in the bedroom.
Sexualized corporal punishment. It does raise
a lot of questions. You may love spanking but
not have a clue where that love and enthusiasm comes from.
When you’re engaged in it, you may even have the fleeting
doubtful thought. Is this weird? Am I messed up?
If you want to be spanked during sex,
does that say something strange about
you? Is it weird or anti-feminist
if you really enjoy it?
Is it OK to be turned on by
being dominated and punished?
Or, maybe you’re not even worried
about any of that and just want the experience.
A Voyeuristic look
It’s a glimpse into a mostly forbidding world,
and there’s value in that. After all, the filmed
sexual fantasies and fetishes have been a part of
human experience for thousands of years.
“If you’re looking at BDSM porn and you’re getting freaked out
about it,” one filmmaker says, “just say to yourself,
‘This isn’t for me, but it is for someone.’ And that’s that.”
Within the brick fortress of the old San Francisco Armory at 14th and Mission streets, fantasies are being played out. Sick fantasies to many – fantasies of bondage, torture and sexual role playing – but harmless and normal to the millions of consumers of BDSM porn.
In her documentary “Kink,” which is produced by James Franco and starts Friday at the Roxie, director Christina Voros aims to unmask the CEO, filmmakers and actors of Kink, a multimillion-dollar empire of specialty Internet porn started in the late 1990s by CEO Peter Acworth. They come off as normal people – artists, even.
“It’s like training for a marathon,” one actress says before a round of torture, spanking and other things too graphic to mention. “If I ever get kidnapped and tied up (in real life), I’m prepared,” says another.
Make no mistake, although not rated, it is an explicit film, and that’s to Voros’ credit. How can you make a film about the strange acts of BDSM without showing it in some form?
“When they’re playing with pain we want them to feel it and to turn them on and push their limits in the way that they have a real response on camera,” says talent coordinator Jessie Lee.
In some ways, Voros invokes her “safe” word a little too often (if you don’t know what that means, you don’t want to know). This is a mostly admiring portrait of Kink. One actress says, when asked if she would be OK with her children being in the porn industry as adults, “There’s a lot of lost souls here. And I would never ever want my children to be lost souls.”