Please Please Yourself
No one else can sexually satisfy you
unless you figure out how to please yourself.
Masturbation is a great way to get to know
your body and your sexual response.
It can teach you to relax and enjoy
pleasure without feeling self-conscious.
Although orgasms are a physical response, they are
inexorably intertwined with a woman’s emotions.
Setting the Mood
If you’ve never masturbated before, or if you haven’t been
able to reach orgasm on your own, you might feel a little
uncomfortable at the thought of a party for one.
To start, try to set a calm, sensual mood that
will help you relax: Light a candle and put on
some sexy music and perhaps some of your favorite lingerie.
Make sure there are no distractions and lock the door!
Maybe head to the tub: It’s a great place to ‘romance yourself’.
You can now begin to explore your body. Begin by touching
your clitoris, a hot zone of female sexual pleasure.
It is located at the top of your vulva, inside your
labia, and is around the size of a small pea.
As you become aroused, it will become larger and stiffer.
The clitoral orgasm is perhaps the most commonly known
and easily achieved type of orgasm.
Experiment with different strokes and pressure
to see which feels best to you.
A clitoral vibrator often provides a
surefire way to reach orgasm on your own.
Taking It to the Next Level
Insert your fingers into your vagina and deeply
penetrate the softness and warmth.
Notice the soft ridges of your vulva, and try to
locate your G-spot, another female hot spot.
As you explore, use your hand to stimulate your clitoris.
Feel how the pleasure radiates throughout your body
and how your arousal level builds.
Use pressure that is intense, then gentle, to keep
yourself on the brink of orgasm for as long as you can bear.
The result may be a blended orgasm with the delightful
combination of both vaginal and clitoral stimulation.
Teaching Your Partner What Works
If you find that you can reach orgasm during masturbation
but not during sex with your partner, then you’re like most
women, who find it far easier to reach orgasm by themselves.
The good news is that you know you are capable of orgasm.
The bad news is that something is standing in the way of
your complete satisfaction during sex with your partner,
and you now have to determine what that is.
When you masturbate, focus on what you like to touch first,
then second, then third. What kind of pressure do you use?
What’s your technique? Do you fantasize?
Now you can guide your partner.
Masturbation Manual for Girls
Tossing off. Spanking it. Whacking off.
Choking the chicken. There are a lot of
phrases out there to describe masturbating
with a penis.
But when it comes to masturbating with a clitoris, not
so much. The only term regularly used is masturbation.
When you compare that to the florid, engorged, erect
language used to describe people with penises masturbating,
it becomes very clear that society thinks and feels
differently about male and female masturbation.
And that’s implicit in the way people talk about it.
In a moment of inspiration for girls
getting it on how about “Gee-Wiz”?
What Is The Female Orgasm?
Physiologically, it’s defined as 8-12 contractions
which occur in the vaginal and anal sphincter
starting 0.8 seconds apart with increasing effect.
Your pain threshold more than doubles, skin
becomes flushed, it can make you sweat or tremble,
your pupils dilate and you breathe harder during
on your way to orgasm.
Salivation increases, your blood pressure goes
right up and climaxing gets you hot.
Your body temperature and metabolism rise slightly,
even if it wasn’t a vigorous session. And of course,
there’s blood flow to your genitals.
They become engorged and once you reach
orgasm the muscles involuntarily,
rhythmically contract and then relax.
Are You Ready to Come?
“Get Me Engorged!”
I’m ready to admit something embarrassing. I used not to
like sex. More specifically, I didn’t like vaginal intercourse.
From ages 17 to 24, I loved making out, I loved foreplay,
and I loved oral sex but penis-and-vagina intercourse
itself? I didn’t enjoy it.
Vaginal intercourse felt tight, tense, invasive. Sometimes,
it hurt. I even made an appointment with a sex therapist
in my early 20s to see if I had a medical reason preventing
my enjoyment of the act itself.
It wasn’t as if I had a low libido! By that point, I’d had maybe eight or so sexual partners and I had had to tell too many of them that while I loved everything else on the kink menu, I “didn’t like sex.”
When I was 24, I gained enough self-knowledge and self-respect to accept that I was kinky. Being able to attach a label to myself turned a magic key. I was able to find men with desires like mine on online dating web sites, clearly explain to guys what I wanted in bed and have it fulfilled.
That changed everything, everything about my enjoyment of sex. The problem hadn’t been that I didn’t like vaginal intercourse. I’d never been aroused enough.
All sorts of new kinds of foreplay came into my repertoire. I learned what would be guaranteed to make me really wet. For the first time, enjoy vaginal intercourse as much as everything else. It was like springtime for my sex life!
And so it remained throughout my late 20s. I had a new confidence and enthusiasm, knowledge building upon itself with each you experience. I didn’t always make the right choices; there were a few times I made dangerous decisions and trusted the wrong people.
Still, this is the part of my journey that I wouldn’t give up for all the world, even if it could instantly erase all the judgment and slut-shaming that I had to endure through it.
I’m proud to say that sexually, I know exactly what I like to give and to receive. Had I not had such a colorful sexual journey prior to falling in love with my husband, who knows what I would be working through — struggling with — sexually with him now?
Still, I won’t pretend the slut-shaming hasn’t hurt me. It still hurts me, even though I’m almost 30. I’ve had all manner of nasty things written about me: slutty, desperate, stupid, disease-ridden, attention-whore, needy, bitch, cunt, whore.
But it’s the meanness and ignorance behind the comments, rather than the content of them, that hurts. I know that underneath all those mean words is a sexist double standard being held against me for being a woman who enjoys sex on her own terms. Those terms are what I want, when I want, as much as I want.
Maybe because of my interest in feminism, maybe because of my lack of exposure to abstinence-only education, but I never placed a value on myself based on my sexual “purity.”
I found a man who never placed a value on me based on inexperience, either. I wasn’t supposed to find a man like that, apparently. Men don’t want to marry sluts, you know! Men don’t want used goods!
I found someone who not only accepts me for everything that I am, but actually likes me for everything that I am. To wish that I had fewer sexual partners would be to wish I was a different person, which he very much doesn’t.
All the men I dated gave me relationship experience that made me ready for a life partner. So did all the sexual experience. All the pundits, trolls and naysayers who say “all men” want “all women” to be demure little virgins, quite simply, are lying. Some might. But all don’t.
My wedding night sex ended up exactly like all the other sex I had with my husband before we married: intimate, loving, devotional, fun, sexy, silly, erotic, playful, intense.
We made love, then we made love again, and then we made love again the next morning. It wasn’t any different from the sex we’ve had hundreds of times before, except now we very blissfully wore commitment rings around our fingers.
I believe my sexual experience was good for me — and by association, was better for my husband on our wedding night and for every night thereafter. The same goes for him and all the women he slept with before me.
Maybe my health teacher was right about one thing: My past sexual partners were there with us in the sense they made me who I am when the dress and heels finally came off. And that woman is someone my husband loves — and loves to have sex with.