QUESTION: I’ve had the same problem with my last two girlfriends. Both say I am a good lover. Lovemaking sessions have lasted hours. However, neither could have an orgasm via intercourse alone.
They can each come in a second by masturbation, and in minutes from oral sex. They say they’ve come very close during intercourse with me. They also say I shouldn’t worry. But if I didn’t worry about it, wouldn’t I be one of those guys women complain about all the time?
I’m beginning to get a complex. I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I wonder if they would be more satisfied if they were with someone better endowed.
During intercourse, I feel myself becoming discouraged. I think that she’ll never enjoy this as much as I do, and sometimes these thoughts have caused me to go soft in the middle of the act.
ANSWER: Your desire not to be “one of those guys women complain about all the time” is commendable, but it would be more so if you’d bothered to educate yourself about women’s bodies and women’s orgasms before you started fucking women.
News flash: Most women are unable to “have an orgasm via intercourse alone.” Why is this? Because the business end of the clitoris—which plays as central a role in her sexual pleasure as the head of your cock plays in yours—is located outside and above the vagina, not inside and up it. Are you with me?
The clitoris is not a joy buzzer at the top of the vaginal canal. It doesn’t matter how big your dick is, how hard your dick is, or how far you manage to get it in (okay, those things do matter, but not for the sake of this argument): The clit’s the thing!
While some women’s clits are angled in such a way that bumping and grinding provides enough direct clitoral stimulation to get them off, most are not so conveniently angled.
You ahave to go out of your way to make her orgasms happen. It never ceases to amaze me just how many heterosexual men don’t know these basic vagina facts. 70 percent of women need stimulation above and beyond vaginal intercourse in order to achieve orgasm.
Imagine the flip side. Your new girlfriend pays no attention to the head of your cock during sex. The most she can be bothered to do is provide you with a little “indirect stimulation.” Maybe she nudges the side of your dick with her foot while you eat her to orgasm after orgasm.
While you might enjoy this activity (especially if you’re a foot fetishist), it probably won’t get you off. You’re having fun, you’re enjoying yourself, but you’re not having orgasms.
You most likely aren’t entirely responsible for your ignorance or your predicament. The women you’ve slept with up to this point may have contributed to your ignorance.
A lot of women, when they first start having sex, believe they should be able to have orgasms from intercourse alone because that’s the way women’s orgasms seem to work in movies, porn, and romantic novels. It’s alsothe way their ill-informed young boyfriends insist women’s orgasms work.
Consequently, some young women psych themselves out, convincing themselves that they’re having orgasms while their boyfriends huff and puff. Others fake orgasms for fear that their boyfriends will think they’re damaged goods if they can’t come from intercourse alone.
When a boy finds himself in bed with a woman who demands that her orgasm (and her clit) play as central a role in the sex act as his orgasm (and the head of his dick), theyfreak the fuck out.
They think the new girlfriend is some sort of psychotic nympho, or, like you, they think their lovemaking skills have deteriorated or their cocks suddenly aren’t big enough.
But she isn’t a psychotic nympho. She’s just not a doormat. And the boy’s lovemaking skills haven’t deteriorated. They never developed in the first place.
Almost all women need stimulation in addition to fucking to achieve orgasm, regardless of their man’s cock size.
She’ll enjoy the fucking just as much as you do, so long as you remember to pay attention to her clit while you’re fucking her.
If your arms aren’t broken or bound, reach down or around and finger her clit while you bang away. Encourage her to play with herself when you’re fucking.
Try new positions to see if different angles of penetration might provide more direct stimulation to her clit, and then let her control the speed and pace of the grind.
Get her off with your mouth or your hand before you fuck. Learn more about women’s bodies, listen to your partner’s verbal cues, watch for her physical ones, and make her pleasure a priority. That’s how you avoid being one of those men women complain about all the time. Good luck.