It seems seem that a woman’s lust is roused by
the idea of sex with strangers, dangerous
sex and sex between women, men and animals.
Freud famously wrote in 1926 that the “sexual life
of adult women is a ‘dark continent’ for psychology”.
Surely we know more than that. Look at one area
where women have always been in touch with their
sexual urges: fantasy, that personal interior
cinema in which anything goes.
One of the best insights into women’s fantasy world
is through what is often called ‘escapist reading’.
‘Women’s romance’ is one example. Dubbed ‘pornography for
women, it’s always been a cover for transgressive sex.
Romantic fiction runs from Wuthering Heights which hints
at incest and necrophilia to Harlequin romances, which
offer sadomasochism sugar-coated with a marriage plot.
In the era of the flapper and the suffragette, one of the
most popular novels in Britain was E.M. Hull’s The Sheik.
It tells the tale of a liberated, unmarried woman who
travels to the Sahara and is kidnapped by a cruel but
sexy sheik, who forces himself on her.
Scoff if you like at Fifty Shades of Grey, but there’s a
reason why this sadism-laden trilogy was been so successful.
It articulates fantasies of emotionally and physically
risky sex that incite women’s desire.
One scientist sums up the novel’s effect as “dopamine,
dopamine, dopamine”. But how much further does the
identification of sexual arousal with the neurotransmitter
responsible for feelings of pleasure actually get us?
The real mystery here, and the mystery
the scientists dance around, is not how
women orgasm, but how fantasy works.
Why does it thrive on tension and contradiction,
so often belying a woman’s politics and what she
would actually want to live out?
In the 1970s women’s omnivorous, complicated
sexuality was at the top of the agenda.
There was The Joy of Sex, Our Bodies Ourselves,
Rita Mae Brown’s lesbian coming-of-age novel
Rubyfruit Jungle and Erica Jong’s Fear of Flying,
with its quest for no-strings-attached sex,
which she called “the zipless fuck”.
Women’s sexual pleasure was under intense
scrutiny, from The Hite Report on Female
Sexuality to the porn film Deep Throat.
One of the most remarkable documents from the decade
is Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden, an investigation
of women’s erotic fantasies through first-person accounts.
Friday’s informants tell vivid, highly detailed
daydreams of exhibitionism, even rape, bestiality,
masochism, sadism and much more.
One informant said: “It seems that the more
liberated I become the more I fantasize about
the spanking and the bondage.”
Exhibitionist and voyeuristic fantasies are very
popular with women. watching and being watched
in the act of having sex. 19 per cent of people
fantasise about being watched during sex; another
five per cent fantasise about stripping in public.
Voyeuristic fantasies include having sex in the
middle of a crowded nightclub, watching others
have sex from a hidden spot, or engaging in sex
acts while the neighbours watch.
Good, Clean Fun
Girls Should Be
Doing It More
Virtually all boys to men learn how to get themselves aroused and reach a climax. Relatively few girls do. When becoming intimate with a woman for the first time, most guys have little idea of her anatomy, sexual arousal and sexual release – and sadly, the same goes for many women.
But the guy figures out damn quickly how to stimulate himself to ecstasy while with her. And hopes that in the process the earth will move for her too. Which mostly, it doesn’t.
My point is, why does the average girl expect her guy to show her how her body works sexually when in fact he usually has no clue? (And if he’s “learning” from porn in absentia of the real deal, he’s already horribly misinformed.)
young women should
learn to masturbate
1. If you learn how to coax, toggle and jiggle your clitoris and surrounding glorious bits to an orgasm by yourself first, you will be that much wiser when it comes to gently guiding your (potentially clueless) lover to please you.
2. Sex is healthy. It boosts the body’s immunity, reducing colds and infections, and lowers your risk of depression. Because orgasms have a healthy effect on the heart and immune system, they may increase longevity.
3. The more you have sex, the more your body will want it, because sex stimulates testosterone. Learning how to have wonderful (and multiple!) orgasms while masturbating and getting in touch with your sexual self builds desire for sex, which is important in intimate relationships.
4. Women who’ve learnt how to arouse and pleasure themselves don’t expect their lover to excite them and take them to a climax, which takes the pressure off their partner. Sexually assertive women are a turn on for most guys.
5. Once you’ve experienced the thrill of an exquisite orgasm, you’ll know the intense pleasure your body is capable of and you’ll crave more.
In a relationship, you won’t accept boring, orgasm-less sex with your lover. You can poke, tease and teach, if you need to. And most likely you will.
6. Women who are partial to self-pleasure are more likely to be sexually adventurous with their partner and to keep their sex lives exciting because they’ve tasted how good it should be. And want to keep it there. A great sex life is an important part of a good relationship – while bad sex is just plain bad news.
7. Orgasms are fun – and masturbation-fuelled orgasms won’t lead to pregnancy (unless you’re into mutual masturbation and his seed spills a bit too close for comfort) or sexually-transmitted diseases (ditto). Oral sex givers can also collect some nasty STDs. In contrast, masturbation is good, clean fun.
8. And finally, orgasms relieve menstrual cramps. The cramps are the result of muscle contractions around the uterus and intestines, which can be eased by orgasms.
What’s more, women often feel a spike in desire at this time of their menstrual cycle, so a bit of manual release is an all-round win-win situation.